Grief and Loss: Grieving ‘cleanly’ into Peace.

Sandi and George were engaged to be married.  One evening George failed to show up for their usual dinner date and Sandi began getting a bad vibe.  She tried calling him but her messages went to voicemail. A short time later, her phone rang.   It was George’s brother.  He told her that the police had just contacted him.  George had been in a bad traffic accident and was at the hospital undergoing surgery.

 Sandi rushed over to the hospital immediately.  She waited anxiously for the George to be brought out of the ICU. The hours passed.   But he never was taken to the ICU.  George died on the operating table. 

 As you might imagine, Sandi was devastated.  They were so good for each other, looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together.  Then suddenly, it was over.  Just like that, all of her plans and hopes were gone.  There was a gaping hole now where once  George had been.

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The grief and pain that come with the death of a loved one is a complicated thing.  So too, the stress that accompanies any kind of major loss:  a job, a relationship, a really good life situation.

On the one hand there is grief, the emotion itself.  The pure pain of loss.  And along with it, the sense that one ought to be hurting in this way. That there is an appropriateness to the pain and suffering.  So there is an attachment to pain …  an attraction to hurt, to be stressed.

 But on the other hand, there is also a resistance to pain.  Wanting to get rid of it, to not feel it, to make it go away.  A desire to be free of the stress.   And along with that, a resistance to the death or loss itself.  Wishing that it had not happened … wondering why it did … if only things could be different.

 So there is attachment to pain operating along with resistance to pain.  Attachment to grief along with a resistance to feeling it.  An attraction to the stress right beside a desire to make it go away.

The audio links below help you to deal with death or loss by consciously working with these opposites.  Much of our sense of being trapped in stress and pain comes about because these opposites are continually playing out in our minds beneath our notice.  And that being so, we are not able to fully experience the grief, loss, shock, that is really there.  Instead we go back and forth between feeling the pain and wanting to get rid of it (or denying that it exists).

To be clear, grieving is a normal, healthy part of life – be it over the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a romantic breakup and so on.   So this process is not some kind of work-around for grief.  Rather, it is intended to help you to grieve ‘cleanly’.  To grieve in such a way that you don’t feel trapped in grief.  To work with your pain so that you don’t feel like it dominates your life.

And if you are able to grieve cleanly, at some point, the stress and misery will leave you.  You won’t necessarily forget about what happened. This is not some kind of amnesia technique.  But you’ll be able to look back over your memories with clarity.  You’ll be able to remember with a sense of peace.  Even if that peace might be tinged with a gentle sadness at times.

And when that happens, your heart will be freed up to appreciate the good times, the love or fulfillment you felt.  And you’ll realize that you can still feel those things.  That the loss has not stripped you of your ability to appreciate the goodness of what was, even as you move forward in life.

So if you wish to begin the journey of working with loss, go ahead and click on Working With Loss – 1  below.  ( This assumes that you’ve already worked through the Short Course listed over on the right.)

  -thePanda

Dealing with loss – Part 1.  

Dealing with loss – Part 2.  

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